Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
pray to the hookup gods
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
