how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
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