i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
