saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
