Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
