I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
