She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
