Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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