Already got asked if we're dating
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Randomize
