the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
