DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
