How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
