tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
