I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
