i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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