Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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