My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize
