we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
The air was thick with penises
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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