My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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