"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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