Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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