I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
