You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
