no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
