My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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