I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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