Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
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