batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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