Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
