then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
