Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
And then my night got REAL pukey
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
