not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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