Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
