Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
