you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
