dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
My first STD was from a foam party
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
