Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
