You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
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