My underwear smells like fireworks.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Randomize
