you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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