I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
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