omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
