my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
