we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Randomize
