goodnight i made you a song goodbye
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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