I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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