the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
