3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
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