i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
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