She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
