apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
