I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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