I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
