Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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